Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
