Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
