Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
