The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
