You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
