Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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