I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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