the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
