i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
