so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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