Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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