If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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