70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
