Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
