she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
