got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Randomize
