i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
