Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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