Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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