Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
