I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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