so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
