My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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