My sheets look like a crime scene.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
