Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
