One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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