I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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