Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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