His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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