You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
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He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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