Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
