Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
