dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
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Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
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Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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