I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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