Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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