I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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