In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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