Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
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Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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