I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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