I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
