I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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