what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
