I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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