My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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