I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
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The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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