There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
