hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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