You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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