My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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