My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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