True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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