nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
