Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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