Are we in a gay sports bar?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
sarcasm needs its own font
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize