I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
