Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
